I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
