Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
