don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
