if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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