we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
