Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
