I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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