I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
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