i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
