no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
