How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize