Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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