Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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