you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
