Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just gift wrapped bread.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
