im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Randomize
