Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
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