My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
