I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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