the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
