Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
