I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
