I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
