I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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