she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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