dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
