I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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