Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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