I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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