I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
