i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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