If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
