Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
