I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
