I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
