Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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