They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
