i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Randomize
