I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
