He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
