dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
