Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
They have beer where we have blood.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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