I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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