Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
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You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I am available for nakedness
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
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