that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
