You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
