I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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