Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
