People in love make me want to vomit
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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