k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
