Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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