Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
