What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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