Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
